This isn’t going to be a typical blog post. There will not be any well thought out sticky statements or careful editing. It’s just going to be me, a little raw and a lot bare.

I have this tendency to be too confident. Not cocky, but confident. I believe that I can do anything, not because I am great, but because God is. Yet, I don’t do them, not because God is great, but because I am not.

How stupid. I mean seriously. I don’t start things because I can’t guarantee that it will be perfect. I don’t finish things because it isn’t perfect. I need to be challenged, but I’m afraid to be challenged because I might fail.

I’m afraid of being successful because I don’t want to be seen as a fraud. But again, I don’t want to try because I may fail.

I’ve been jealous of my friends because they are chasing their dreams and God is honoring the call He has put on their lives. I’m jealous, not because they have something that I want, I’m jealous because they were willing to try. I may owe them an apology because I haven’t championed for them like I should have.

And even as I type these words, I’m worried that everyone and no one will read them.

I know that anything I do, if done in my own strength, will make me tired. And, that is where I am. My hard truth is that I’ve lost my drive; I’ve lost my desire. Even my sweet husband sees it. And apparently so do those around me.

I need to find Missy again. I need to find that girl that was all in. I need to find the woman who believes that God will do it all because He is all. I need to find that woman who didn’t isolate herself and sought after people and experiences. I don’t want to be that girl that would just as soon do it by herself. That isn’t me.

So, here we are at the end of the first half of 2020 and I am going to start reminding myself that I am not defeated. I am able and capable of doing amazing things, not because of Missy but because of the God I serve…big G, for sure.

I’m going to remember that my word for 2020 is, not was, INTENTIONAL. I am going to be intentional and trust God and worship and sing and feel free to be free.

Day by day, one at a time, until I find my freedom.

There it is, all of the messy, stinky pile of crazy. Be encouraged, we all have a little crazy in us, what matters is what we do with it. And I think I’m kind of done with sweeping mine in the corner.

So, I’m going to leave you with something my friend said to a group of us the other day that really stuck with me. She said,

“Let us remember to pray from a place of victory, not for the victory ❤️.”

So as I close, know that I am FREE!!